Scars.

Starting from a baby, we learn to crawl, then to walk, run, cycle, play sports, etc. And through this process of growing up, we've suffered from a lot of scars - both physically and emotionally. We grow out of the physical scars naturally and maybe some are left permanent as if to remind us of our past. There are also the emotional scars, which some may forget over time while some just cannot be erased.

I have scars, no doubt. Cos I am human. And I think the worse kinda scars are the ones that nag at you for years. For some, decades. I have this scar in me that's been there since I was 18. It was the worst scar I've suffered so far because until now, I haven't really healed fully. It was a bad relationship, but no, it's not the feelings for him that are nagging me but the emotional distress that I suffered from after it. At that point of time after the breakup, my body's condition spiralled as I start to reach the lowest blood pressure of my life when my blood pressure was considered low. I had irritable bowel syndrome. I couldn't sleep well, I was being sad all the time and crying every other night. I tweeted about how upset I am and sometimes I post angry tweets about how he caused all these to happen to me. No one really understood. Some just say cheer up, some tell me I'm in control of my life and some just think that it'd be appropriate to just bitch about me indirectly on Twitter about how I should control my emotions and how immature I am. To be frank, I was upset at how these people couldn't understand the things I am going through but they think they do so they just comment about it. And it hurts. It makes me cry even. But maybe, to be able to cry was better.

Then, things got worse, to the point whereby I couldn't feel anything any more. When things are funny, or I assume they should be, I laugh. Not genuinely laughing but just laughing for the sake of it so that my friends and family wouldn't think that there's any problem with me. I started to head out lesser. I lost motivation for everything. At that point of time, I was in poly year 2. Slowly, I was neglecting my school work, skipping classes until one night, something struck me. I don't know what. But I sneaked to the kitchen to get panadol pills. I read the instructions and counted the lethal amount for my weight. It was 12 and above. So I took 12. Just enough to go on overdose. I waited and waited. Then my mum started yelling for my dad to come and take me to the hospital. My mum cried while holding my hand on the car and it was at that moment that I felt my heart ache. I felt my emotions coming back and that I was also crying. I felt stupid for doing what I did.

After the pills incident, things got better. My life started to get back on track. It was slow, but I finally became.. well, more normal, I guess. And I hope that those who are experiencing the same thing I went through would hang in there cos bad things won't last.