It's been months, probably almost a year since we broke up and frankly speaking, I still think of my ex. Not because I miss him, but because of the things we had. Somehow, things around me still remind me about the past. The smallest things that no one can possibly imagine. You guys who are going through the 'just got out of a relationship' period should understand. Your friends might think, "What? Such a small thing can trigger so much out of it?" Ignore them, cos it really does.
Okay, here goes my story. Throughout my past relationship, I was always unhappy, as far as I remember. I cried a lot. Along with the pressure I have from school, my family and the friendship problems I was going through, one night, I resorted to cutting myself. I'm not proud of doing this, really. And thank goodness I didn't cut deep enough to leave scars. It felt like cutting myself was the only resort to release all the pain I was feeling in my heart. Crazy, I know. I was texting my friend while crying and I just shut my phone all of a sudden and started slashing myself across the thigh. Twice. As I watched the blood oozing out from my wound, I continued crying. It was painful but feeling the physical pain was much better than the emotional pain I was suffering from. I just keep crying till I was so tired that I fell asleep at the study table, with the scissors still in my hand. The next morning I woke up was because my dog was whining at my door, wanting me to open up the door for her. So I let her into my room, knelt on the floor and started playing with her. She then stopped and sniffed my wound with her wet nose, as if she knew. It was then I realised that I shouldn't have done that. No matter how stressed up I was, I should have thought of the people who care for me (and my dog). They love and care for me but in the end, I hurt myself. If they'd known, they'd be so heartbroken. So that was the first and last time I cut myself.
After that, I resorted to drinking. Being high and drunk was the only way to not think of all the bad stuff. I could just be so happy and have fun like there was no tomorrow. I drank with friends and sometimes alone. Heck, it was one hellava time. I spent money like water. I didn't go clubbing frequently. More of like buying liquor and drinking at some HDB block or just go to pubs and bars alone to drink and go somewhere to be crazy. But then soon, I realised it was only temporary and I can't do this often. Cos money was going really quickly and I have alcohol allergy. Sad, I know. I'd just get rashes after drinking and shiver like hell at night. The shivers were so bad that my teeth would chatter. As for the rashes, I'd lose sleep over scratching my whole body. Yeah, it was that bad even though I took allergy pills to curb the allergy. I stopped after a month of doing that. Okay, not really stopped but go out drinking lesser cos the rashes are terrible and unbearable.
Anyways, things didn't get better from there though. The breakup came and I lost a handful of friends that I treasured so much for the past 6-7 years. There were lots of twists and turns after the breakup. I had a lot of projects on hand and the workload was really heavy on me. I even had a breakdown in front of my guy classmate. I remembered how he panicked. Come to think of it, his reaction was really funny. Anyways, I resorted to swallowing pills. I swallowed Panadol pills. Stupid right, I know. But over-dosage in Panadol pills might cause kidney failure. I was attempting suicide so I swallowed like 12 or 14 of them. I don't remember. For the next 15 minutes after I had the pills, it was chaotic. My mum found me lying on the bed, crying, with the empty box of Panadol pills. She started shouting for my dad to get the car and I reached the hospital under 30 minutes. (It normally takes around 30-45 minutes.) By the time I was at the hospital, my whole body was starting to feel numb but not totally. The worse thing was, I was attended my trainee doctors who had to take three tubes of my blood for checking but they poked into my hands more than 5 times and they still couldn't find my veins. In the end they gave up and called the senior doctor to take my blood. He took less than 5 minutes to take 3 tubes whereas they took half an hour and took not a single drop of my blood. Pfft. Anyways, by the time I was sent to a ward, my body was totally numb. I couldn't feel my lips, my hands, practically my whole body. My throat was really dry and I felt very light-headed. I remember two doctors coming who asked a lot of questions but I don't even remember what I answered them. Everything was a blur due to the amount of pills I took. In the end, I stayed at the hospital for 4 days, with 9 needle holes in both of my hands and 27 tubes of blood drawn for blood tests. It resulted in incredibly low blood pressure (it made the nurses panicked) but the doctor came to a conclusion that it was normal for me since I have low blood pressure even before this. For the whole of 4 days in the hospital, it was really torturing. I had nothing to do so I kept thinking about everything. I had no visitors other than my parents cos I didn't tell anyone where I was. I told a few, but didn't tell them which ward so that they wouldn't come. I figured it'd be a good time for me to rearrange my thoughts.
And.. a skip in timeline, now, August 2012, I'm attached to another guy for almost 6 months. You guys would probably say, I'm heartless or how can I have a change of heart so quickly, blah, blah, blah. But hey, I was always unhappy in that relationship and I was dumped. I fall for another guy, he likes me, we go for dates for a month and get together. Nothing wrong with that, isn't it?
For my first relationship, I really went through quite a lot. And I seriously wouldn't want anyone to go through the same thing as me. I came up with this post cos a handful of people around me are going through this 'just got out of a relationship' period. I don't wish any of you would do what I did. I just wanna tell you that it probably is fate that this person is not meant for you. Try not to be so moody and emotional about it always because it is your smile that makes someone fall for you. Don't keep thinking that it's your fault.
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| 'You are better than you think you are' |
(Done by me! I know it's not that nice but yeah. I tried. It's my first time in attempting Typography anyways. And I hope to do more of Typography and hopefully, excel in it!)
Alright, back to topic. Yes, I know how moving on is hard but slowly and surely, you'll be able to get over this period of time and before you know it, you're back to your normal self. I hope that all you lovelies out there would try to stay happy always. Someday, you'll find someone who loves you for who you are, wholeheartedly. :)
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