Scars.

Starting from a baby, we learn to crawl, then to walk, run, cycle, play sports, etc. And through this process of growing up, we've suffered from a lot of scars - both physically and emotionally. We grow out of the physical scars naturally and maybe some are left permanent as if to remind us of our past. There are also the emotional scars, which some may forget over time while some just cannot be erased.

I have scars, no doubt. Cos I am human. And I think the worse kinda scars are the ones that nag at you for years. For some, decades. I have this scar in me that's been there since I was 18. It was the worst scar I've suffered so far because until now, I haven't really healed fully. It was a bad relationship, but no, it's not the feelings for him that are nagging me but the emotional distress that I suffered from after it. At that point of time after the breakup, my body's condition spiralled as I start to reach the lowest blood pressure of my life when my blood pressure was considered low. I had irritable bowel syndrome. I couldn't sleep well, I was being sad all the time and crying every other night. I tweeted about how upset I am and sometimes I post angry tweets about how he caused all these to happen to me. No one really understood. Some just say cheer up, some tell me I'm in control of my life and some just think that it'd be appropriate to just bitch about me indirectly on Twitter about how I should control my emotions and how immature I am. To be frank, I was upset at how these people couldn't understand the things I am going through but they think they do so they just comment about it. And it hurts. It makes me cry even. But maybe, to be able to cry was better.

Then, things got worse, to the point whereby I couldn't feel anything any more. When things are funny, or I assume they should be, I laugh. Not genuinely laughing but just laughing for the sake of it so that my friends and family wouldn't think that there's any problem with me. I started to head out lesser. I lost motivation for everything. At that point of time, I was in poly year 2. Slowly, I was neglecting my school work, skipping classes until one night, something struck me. I don't know what. But I sneaked to the kitchen to get panadol pills. I read the instructions and counted the lethal amount for my weight. It was 12 and above. So I took 12. Just enough to go on overdose. I waited and waited. Then my mum started yelling for my dad to come and take me to the hospital. My mum cried while holding my hand on the car and it was at that moment that I felt my heart ache. I felt my emotions coming back and that I was also crying. I felt stupid for doing what I did.

After the pills incident, things got better. My life started to get back on track. It was slow, but I finally became.. well, more normal, I guess. And I hope that those who are experiencing the same thing I went through would hang in there cos bad things won't last.

Another closed chapter.

Yet another chapter of my life has ended. It's painful, no doubt. And I cried. Many comforted me, consoled me, but I know it is something that I can only get through it myself. But I'm thankful of the friends who texted me, thankful for the friends who care for me. And I hope that those who genuinely cared, our friendship will go on for a long time.

When that part of life was over, I used work to numb myself. I work harder than before, cos I know it is the only thing that is able to keep my mind off all of these. But at the same time, I find myself liking this line of job. No doubt it's tough and requires more physical work than others but I believe it is something I would want to have as my job. Probably some might think that I spoil market by coming back to help on off days or that I'm trying to bootlick my bosses and stuff. Well, if you're thinking this way, then continue thinking that way cos petty people will only lead to their own downfall.

Also, I realised that the only constant in my life is family. Cos no matter what happens, they'd welcome you back with open arms. Although the words they say may be mean at times but know that they want the best for you.

I haven't had the courage to tell my parents what really happened cos I'm afraid of crying in front of them. It's not because of pride, but it's because I wouldn't want them to worry about me. Being parents, they already have enough to worry about and I wouldn't want to break down in front of them and give them severe heartaches.

Some have tried to get me to go back to that part of life and I am going to say it right here that no, I can't. It's not because there isn't any love anymore. It's because of the loss in mutual understanding and acceptance. And I'm glad there are friends out there who gave me sound advice and encourage me to meet them up so that I wouldn't be so depressed.

Now, listening to emotional songs means dying on the inside and being at places with memories means more heart ache. It takes time, I know. And if you're reading this, I'm letting you go because letting go is also a form of love. I feel that you're better off with someone more understanding than me and someone who has a much better temper than me.

And to all the lovely readers out there, stay sweet if you're attached and stay happy if you aren't.

Tell me, why?

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse"

- Fix You, Coldplay

This song came to my mind when I was writing up a reflection for my FYP. My group got the lowest grade of the cohort. We were really upset cos we tried. We lost so much sleep over it. Everyday, we lived like a living zombie cos we spent most of our energy on the project. But in the end, all we got was a C. Most of the groups got A and B. We were the only group that got C.

When I first saw our grade in class (our lecturer decided to state all the grades in one presentation slide and show it to everyone all at once), I didn't know what I was supposed to feel. I could still smile and laugh. But when I stepped out of The Agency (the place where only students of my course are allowed), I felt like my tears were coming down.

I could remember myself sitting in front of the computer, putting my laptop's brightness to the highest so I could get the optimal visual effect and edited the powerpoint presentation slides. I had to be creative. I had to make the slides visually appealing and attractive. I had to make sure the slides are not too lengthy. I had to make sure all the words are visible. So I came up with several ideas for the designs. But in the end, the teachers just care all about the content and graded our work like it was nothing.

It isn't the first time anyways. My past designs during designing classes and other presentations have also been either rejected or ignored or poorly graded. And every single time, I acted like I am okay with my grades but when I get home, I'd think, "Why? Why are my designs never deemed as good? Why can't I get even a B grade? Are my designs that lousy?" And then, I'd just ask myself even more questions and come to a conclusion that, yeah, I suck at designing. Now if you've read my previous post, that's the thing. I can't get into filming and I suck at designing. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I've no idea. Everyone says that for every person, they will be good in something. At least one thing. What is mine? I don't even know and I have a hard time figuring it out.

Alright guys, I know my posts have been really.. emotional these days but I would still smile and laugh like some mad person in person unlike my blogs because I want my friends to be happy too. I wouldn't like to affect them with my problems, so I make them happy with my smiles and my laughter. A fake front? Yeah, I have to or else I'll just be bombarded by questions from friends or gossipy people. Or others might just label me as the girl who always look like the whole world owes her a living.

But to all teenagers out there, I hope you'd find that thing that you're good in and work to achieve the best that you can. Cos that defines you and that is who you are. Cheers, lovelies. :)