Tell me, why?

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse"

- Fix You, Coldplay

This song came to my mind when I was writing up a reflection for my FYP. My group got the lowest grade of the cohort. We were really upset cos we tried. We lost so much sleep over it. Everyday, we lived like a living zombie cos we spent most of our energy on the project. But in the end, all we got was a C. Most of the groups got A and B. We were the only group that got C.

When I first saw our grade in class (our lecturer decided to state all the grades in one presentation slide and show it to everyone all at once), I didn't know what I was supposed to feel. I could still smile and laugh. But when I stepped out of The Agency (the place where only students of my course are allowed), I felt like my tears were coming down.

I could remember myself sitting in front of the computer, putting my laptop's brightness to the highest so I could get the optimal visual effect and edited the powerpoint presentation slides. I had to be creative. I had to make the slides visually appealing and attractive. I had to make sure the slides are not too lengthy. I had to make sure all the words are visible. So I came up with several ideas for the designs. But in the end, the teachers just care all about the content and graded our work like it was nothing.

It isn't the first time anyways. My past designs during designing classes and other presentations have also been either rejected or ignored or poorly graded. And every single time, I acted like I am okay with my grades but when I get home, I'd think, "Why? Why are my designs never deemed as good? Why can't I get even a B grade? Are my designs that lousy?" And then, I'd just ask myself even more questions and come to a conclusion that, yeah, I suck at designing. Now if you've read my previous post, that's the thing. I can't get into filming and I suck at designing. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I've no idea. Everyone says that for every person, they will be good in something. At least one thing. What is mine? I don't even know and I have a hard time figuring it out.

Alright guys, I know my posts have been really.. emotional these days but I would still smile and laugh like some mad person in person unlike my blogs because I want my friends to be happy too. I wouldn't like to affect them with my problems, so I make them happy with my smiles and my laughter. A fake front? Yeah, I have to or else I'll just be bombarded by questions from friends or gossipy people. Or others might just label me as the girl who always look like the whole world owes her a living.

But to all teenagers out there, I hope you'd find that thing that you're good in and work to achieve the best that you can. Cos that defines you and that is who you are. Cheers, lovelies. :)